friendship

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Connection

As an introvert, I do a lot of listening.  However, I have noticed that when I am in a group and think I am listening, quite often I have tuned out and am lost in my own thoughts.  That doesn’t happen near as often when I am with one person, sharing in conversation.

Clearly there are times when I am with someone who is a “talker” and our conversation is mostly a monologue.  I find this need to talk comes either from being alone most of the time or from not being listened to by anyone.  So when I care about someone, I simply listen as the rattle on.  Pretty soon however, the pace slows down and the content of the conversation takes on substance and if we are lucky a true conversation can begin.  If it doesn’t, then at least the other person who needed to be heard got a chance.

There are other conversations that we can have that we might call discussions.  In these two or more people tackle a subject, tear it apart, analyze it, chew it up and finally spit it out. The whole idea is to analyze the subject, look for answers, agreements or results.  These discussions can be extremely stimulating.

Then, there is what we call a dialogue.  You might think that discussion and dialogue are the same thing but in truth, dialogue happens in a uniquely different way.  The meaning of the word dialogue is “words flowing through.”  This is really very different from discussion.  Here we have a completely open-ended exploration where all parties enter with the spirit of inquiry. A discussion is something that arises out of the intellect and a dialogue comes straight from the heart.

We can see the difference quite easily if we look at how we might approach a conversation about a truly “difficult” subject, one that has many emotional triggers for the people involved.  If this is the case, discussion would build walls between them, when dialogue offers the hope of true understanding.

Listening to another is for most, a learned skill.  Listening and truly hearing can be the most valuable gift we can give another.  Listening involves letting go of the need to speak, the need to counter, the need to give advice and to simply open and receive what another needs to say to us.  In requires that we become still and open to receive. We suspend our judgments and assumptions, and listen to understand rather than agree.

Certainly, in this process of listening, we can offer acknowledgement of what is being said along the way, but we don’t take away the conversation from them. We give of ourselves in this way to allow the other to unfold. For me this is “heart listening.”

I have found, for myself, that this kind of listening becomes a gift for me as well.  When I can open myself in this way to another, my soul is able to touch their soul in a sacred communion of being.

When I deeply listen to you
it is as though
all the walls I have built around myself
disappear.
That space between us
no longer exists
as a boundary between strangers.

The oneness of who we are
and the whole of who we are
Create new patterns of being.
When I deeply listen to you
Understanding and a deep knowing
of our shared experience
connects me to you in a way that is holy.

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Difficult Conversations

If words that we speak misfire and cause pain.
Please ask us to clarify and fully explain.
For often it is our limitations at play
For choosing our words and what to say.
Please make no assumptions but give others a chance.
Don’t judge them without asking, please allow them to enhance.
Hold back in assuming, don’t jump at a thought
Be open and ask or all is for naught.
When caught up in emotion we can travel two ways.
We either shut down completely or fail to convey.
Don’t jump to conclusions but rather choose trust
And ask what is meant  and not assume we’re unjust.
Let us choose love and expect the best
And question our reactions, that is our test.|
For love is the answer and a willingness to forgive.
It will strengthen our friendships and bring peace as we live.
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Friendship

Many years ago, I read the book, Soul Mates, Honoring the Mystery of Love and Relationship, by Thomas Moore. I was incredibly impacted by what Thomas More discussed in this book.  Prior to reading it I knew that for relationships to remain healthy they required attention paid to them, but I had never seen it described as he did in this book.  He says that all our relationships have a “soul” and that the soul of every relationship requires nurturing for the relationship to remain healthy.  Understanding this is an absolute requirement if we want the relationships, we must be healthy.

I have come to realize, in my old age, that I am not an expert on relationships.  Sadly, it is not one of my strong suits. There are some who would so lovingly disagree with my statement but then there are those who would jump on it vigorously in their agreement!  Mostly I believe that long lasting, quality relationships have been elusive for me because of the nomadic life I lead.  Also, I tend to see potential in people – I see possibility but sadly, quite often fail to see what is “real” and enter relationships with unhealthy people.  To be honest, I haven’t quite figured it all out yet! The result is, however, that the relationships I do have are precious to me.

I have often found myself in one-sided relationships. I am talking about friendships here – not romance. Somehow, I invested far more than the other person or cared more or needed it more and therefore “fed” the relationship more.  I found that if we connected at all, it was always me that called, me that wanted to make plans.  There comes a point when that is happening and it has been happening for a long time, it becomes painful to be in the relationship. When I did see it happening, I would always try to discuss it but somehow never found understanding with the other person or a way to change the dynamics.  At that point, the relationship would change, and I stopped feeding it.  Without my continued support the friendship faded away. We see it in romantic relationships, and we chalk it up to one loving more than the other and that too, is painful.  After I became aware of the pattern in how I formed friendships, I slowed down the process, trying to take note of the give and take and if balance were present before diving headlong into what would once more turn out one-sided.

So, what does Thomas Moore mean when he says that the soul of a relationship must be nurtured? What are the things we do when we care about someone?  We check in on them on a regular basis.  We try to get together when time permits.  We let them know how we value our relationship with words and actions.  We let them know on a regular basis, that we care.  We do wonderful things for them and accept wonderful things from them.  Our actions, our words, our behaviors all say, “I care about you.”

In a romantic relationship, when these things stop, we feel taken advantage of but how do we deal with it when it as a sibling, a child, a parent, or friend?  Do these too, not need nurturing to stay healthy? Absolutely!  This is where the phrase, “love is an action verb” comes in.  If we do not say, do not behave toward another in ways that say, “You matter to me” how is that relationship going to survive?  I found this quote in my email today, “Love is not just a feeling, but a verb. It’s something we do, a bit of spiritual theater we enact through actions large and small.” (Mooncircles)

Most people, when something like this is called to their attention, will say it is all from being too busy, that there simply is no time in their lives.  There may be truth in that, but I also see it as a matter of priorities.  If a friend is at the bottom of our “to do” list – just how important is that friend?  If an aging parent never hears from her grown children, or if one never gets a phone call from a sibling, I must ask, does love even exist? It is only a sense of obligation and not love at all. I don’t know.

I do know that when I have loved, it has been fiercely.  When I find a friend, they really matter to me.  If I still had a sibling to stay connected to, I would be thrilled. How blessed I would feel to have had the privilege of seeing my parents grow old.  What a sense of loss I feel when I think about not having had that experience – losing them when they were still young.  When I don’t hear from my own children for months on end or when they fail to display loving behavior, I have been known to say, “whose children are these?”

I often wonder if it isn’t this new social media experience we are involved in when friendships are made which a click of the mouse, where details of private lives are posted, mean and ugly comments and when people convolute what others say.  It is so easy because hey, who will bother to scroll down to see what was really said, anyway? Are these “friends” taking the place of real friendships? And if we are simply too busy to keep up with our friends, why have we let that happen, and when did we stop needing friends?

The only thing I do know for certain is that I need my friends.  Family matters to me and I am sad when I don’t hear from them, but I cannot live without friends. I cannot live without the deep connection that true friendship brings to my life. My friends are my chosen family. The love that comes from a good friend supports me emotionally and brings immense value to my life. I hope I am the kind of friend who gives that as well. In the end – what we share with those we care about is really all that matters in life – all that matters in the end.